Bloody Stereotypes
by Lit Bitch
Summary: Bakura is living out his stereotypes. One by one. He really doesn't like it too much. Just saying. A ridiculously stupid collection of drabblish one-shots having to do with some really strange things.
1. Chapter 1

Bakura woke up with a pounding in his head and a chip on his shoulder. Just like most days, really. Except for one little detail. It was the first Tuesday of the month. And he was very late for his monthly job.

_Oh fuck..._

He got up and dressed as quickly as possible in clothes that he _knew _were not clean.

_Coffee. Coffee. Coffee. Fuck._

There was none in the pot.

_Oh, fuck it. There is no time!_

He had to meet Marik in ten minutes. Caffeine would just have to wait. He grabbed his long black coat off the hanger and headed out into the extremely cold weather. The kind that could tun your fingers blue in about two seconds.

_I fucking hate my life..._

He walked the three and a half blocks to Marik's house, silently. He didn't have a music player or anything of that nature. Nothing to drown out his thoughts. These days were always the worst.

_Why the fuck don't I have a vehicle?_

Marik was standing right outside his house, looking more calm than usual.

_Fucking Ritalin and empty threats._

That's what made him act this way.

_I never would have fucking known._

Bakura stares up at Marik, expectantly. Marik slightly raises his eyebrows, but does not say anything. Both of them know what's coming.

_What is this motherfucker waiting for?_

Marik might have sensed Bakura's impatience or something, because he steps off the porch and starts walking in a general direction. Both of them fall into a casual place.

_It's not like we're in a fucking hurry._

Indeed.

_Ugh. I can almost see the fucking place from here._

They walk for another 5 blocks or so. Every once in a while Marik turns his face to Bakura, a pained look in his eye. Bakura just shrugs his shoulders and grits his teeth.

_He acts like I don't know what he is going through. It's just too bad that I'm an unsympathetic bastard, isn't it? Fuck._

He could see the puny-ass pharaoh now. Oh, how he wanted to just grab his starfish-shaped skull and crush it with his bare hands.

_I can practically hear the fucker's screams._

Bakura looks down to find his hands clenching and unclenching. Marik raises his eyebrows. Bakura puts his hands in his pockets.

_It's times like these that make me wish this show wasn't fucking PG._

After Bakura's little 'hand' incident, him and Marik walk the last few steps before they come face to face with the pharaoh.

_Fuck, he is one ugly son of a bitch._

The pharaoh has an easy smile on his face. The kind that makes Bakura want to do bad things. Evil things.

_You have no fucking idea._

All of a sudden, Bakura is ripped away from his fantasy (where he is killing the pharaoh slowly and painfully) by the bloody douche-canoe, himself.

_How fucking rude._

"Bakura, Marik." says the pharaoh as he nods his head.

_Fuck! Does he not know how to say the word 'and'?_

Marik and Bakura both falter, before responding simultaneously. "Good morning, my pharaoh."

_We both sound like fucking pussies._

The pharaoh speaks again. "Today you both will be accompanying me to the Petting Zoo. Whenever I touch a bunny, I get a funny feeling in my rumbly-tummy. Therefore, we shall make haste. Let us go to the Petting Zoo." Bakura winced.

_Bloody hell! This is fucking ridiculous._

Both Marik and Bakura glanced at each other and then said, "Yes, my pharaoh." Did I mention that they said it at the same exact time?

_It takes a lot of fucking practice, but somehow we manage it._

The pharaoh randomly nodded a couple of more times and then they set off for the Petting Zoo, Bakura and Marik always a few steps behind the pharaoh.

_And the day has only just begun...fuck!_

* * *

Yeah, I feel kinda bad about writing this. I'm going to get shunned. :(

Marik is the Yami one. Just thought i would throw that out there. I don't own Yu-Gi-Oh.

Seriously though, this isn't meant to hurt anyone's feelings or anything. It's just a good funny ha ha parody. And a crappy one at that. Please don't like flame me or anything. Nice reviews or constructive reviews are welcome, though.


	2. Chapter 2

Bakura hadn't woken up this morning. He was dead. Technically, he was dying, but who really cared at this point? Bakura had decided to commit suicide. Why, you ask? Well, it's because the fangirls wanted him to die for some god-forsaken reason.

Bakura had been depressed for a really long time. You see, no one really understood him. He was an outcast and an unloved one at that. He really hated life. He just wanted the pain to end. Everyone just kept judging him and persecuting him. It wasn't his fault he was an evil bastard! God, you would think someone would understand his need for bringing the world into eternal darkness! (Melvin didn't count because he secretly baked cupcakes and enjoyed knitting. Go figure.)

Bakura digressed. Then he sighed. Then he slit his wrists another time for good measure. Did Bakura ever mention that, on a technicality, the body that he was slowly killing wasn't even his? Yeah, he was committing suicide in his host's body. In all honesty, who really cared about that cute limey kid, anyway? The Americans who had dubbed the anime had known about Ryou's complete worthlessness and had partially succeeded in writing his hikari completely out of the show.

Screw this train of thought. Bakura just wanted to die. He wanted to die like a complete pussy, too. That's just the kind of man he was. A gigantic pussy who slits his wrists. That was his personality. Totally.

You know that really cliché concept of your whole life flashing before your eyes? Bakura was totally experiencing said concept. His thoughts flashed back to when he was alive in Egypt. He remembered the warm sand under his sandals and the hot sun beating down on his face. He never had had to tie his shoes when he lived in ancient Egypt. It was a simpler time. He also remembered the day his whole family was massacred. He breathed a sigh of happiness, still glad he didn't have to deal with those motherfuckers. He also remembered that one time when he had set the Pharaoh's hair on fire. _Hilarious._

His memories of ancient Egypt slowly faded and more recent times were brought before his slowly dying eyes. He recalled the first time his host had put on the ring. Oh, how he had beat and raped that kid senseless! He continued doing it on a daily basis, too! Good times... Bakura was definitely going to miss his little punching bag. Not as much as he would miss Malik, but still...

Ah, Malik. Bakura couldn't even recall how many 'sexy times' he had experienced with Malik. On a table, in a car, on a boat, on a blimp, in the rain, in a forest, in a cellar, in a cemetery, in a strip club, on a highway, in Egypt, in Japan, in the snow, in a Burger King bathroom, in a Wal-Mart, at the zoo, and that one time when they dressed up as Mario and Luigi and fucked each other for like days. If only Malik didn't talk so much, then life would be perfect. Then again, Bakura's life was over.

Bakura saw another cliché: the white light. Finally, death was coming for him. It wasn't like he had anything better to do than die.

* * *

**This is probably the worst thing I've ever written. It's so hateful and the plot is so rushed and there really isn't a point to it at all. It's terrible, OK? lolz. Please don't take this seriously. It's supposed to be funny or whatever. The reason I wrote this was because I have NEVER read a good Bakura suicide fic. I don't believe one exists. If you have any ideas for like #3, just let me know, because if you don't then don't expect an update for like 5 months. :)**

**Reviews build self-confidence in yourself. Let the world know your opinion, because your opinion is important!**


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